L.O.V.E. Struck

The “Lightning Bolt” experience is something that many of us have talked about in the past and one that all of us seem to be able to relate to. Everyone’s story is unique and beautiful in its details, but ultimately, they all have one common factor: this sudden, otherworldly, powerful infusion of LOVE that fills us to overflowing and shocks us with an energy and electricity that surges through us and leaves us feeling irrevocably altered… raptured by Michael’s Love. Everyone, that is, except me.

I have no “Lightning Bolt” story. I did not have that moment of intense bliss and over flowing joy that hit me without warning, and rendered me changed. It just simply did not happen. For a long time I wondered if I had even been struck at all. It was very confusing. It still is. Most of the time I don’t understand any of it. Maybe I should just start at the beginning…

The beginning for me was Thriller. I was 13, and I have fragmented memories of Michael then. I remember my sister attending the Victory concert, and how upset I was that I couldn’t go. I remember I had a Beat It jacket, and thinking I was just so cool when I wore it… lol. I remember when Bad was released. I was 18, and I remember blaring the cassette tape at work, trying to teach my friends the words to The Way You Make Me Feel. Stop. Rewind. Play. Hey pretty baby with the high heels on, you give me fever like I’ve never ever known… over and over… God, we had so much fun. I remember going for long walks late at night when I couldn’t sleep, with Michael playing on my Walkman, and not being able to stop myself from dancing, hoping no one was watching. I remember Dangerous. I remember the Oprah interview. I remember the Black Or White video when it aired on TV. I remember the HIStory album, and the statue floating down the River Thames. I remember the Chandler allegations and the settlement. I remember rehab. I remember His marriages, children, trial (although I did not follow it).  It’s funny, when I look back now, I recognize that I felt a connection to Michael even then, but I was not aware of it. I didn’t examine it, or try to analyze it. I just felt comforted knowing Michael was out there. I was not a fan who followed His every move. I just loved His music, and loved Him. The last thing I remember, I was waiting for more concert dates to be announced, believing that He would definitely be scheduling something, if not here in Canada then certainly in the U.S. once He was finished His dates at the O2 Arena. I was finally going to see Michael in concert! I couldn’t wait.

June 25th, 2009. Text message: “Michael Jackson died”

It’s funny how my life seems to be in slow motion ever since that moment. Everything seems to have gone quiet, like on a foggy day, how everything is muted somehow. No lightning bolt, not even any thunder. Silence. I didn’t cry for the longest time. I wanted to. I felt desperate for some kind of release, but the tears didn't come. When This Is It opened, I sat with friends in that dark theatre, wondering what my reaction would be. And then on that huge screen, there He was, larger than life as always, our Michael. He drew me in, as only He could. I was completely enthralled throughout. I remember noticing details about Him that I had missed before, like how big His hands were, and how graceful He looked at times - like a ballet dancer. I was mesmerized by Him. In fact, as I watched, I completely forgot that He was gone. Finally, Man In The Mirror came on... Awash in blue light, I watched as this Angel performed before my eyes. He was beautiful. His movement, His voice, His energy. Love flowed from Him. I was totally captivated until the very end.

Then I remembered...... 

And as the words “Love Lives Forever” appeared on the screen I felt a deep, unfathomable pain in my chest, and then a fleeting moment of fear, wondering how I was possibly going to go on without Him. I didn’t even know why. I waited… expecting to have some kind of a break down. Nothing. I left the theatre feeling internally paralyzed, the weight of Michael crushing down on me. I felt dizzy, and sick. Decimated even. Unrecoverably so. I knew that whatever this was, that I would never be the same again… that my life, as it once was, had ended.

For weeks after, I carried this debilitating pain, without release . I spent a lot of time online, looking for Him. Books, pictures, videos… anything I could find. I remember one day, I came across a picture of Him from the HIStory tour, all in gold and looking gorgeous. I was shocked at myself noticing Him in this way. It was something that had never once crossed my mind. Why now? What was happening to me? I thought I must be falling in Love with Him, and I knew I didn’t want to. I was convinced there was something seriously wrong with me and I was frightened. Shortly after, I stumbled across an MJ forum on Amazon (Why I’m Still Crying Over Michael Jackson) which is where I met many of the beautiful people that have become my support system, and some of my dearest friends. It was completely outside my character to post on a forum, but something took me over and I couldn’t help myself. It was so healing to discover that there were others out there that were having a similar experience . I was not alone. And I was not crazy.

I spent about a year there, pouring my heart out, and listening while others did the same, all of us trying to figure out what was happening to us, and what we were supposed to do with it. It was at this time that I became aware of a phenomenon that we now refer to as the “Lightening Bolt”. I loved reading how each of my friends described their own unique moment. The sudden wave of Love that shocked them and left them reeling from the glory of His touch. I imagined what it would be like to share such a story – shaking and unable to type through my excitement. I felt like I’d been left behind. Like all those around me had been directly chosen, and that somehow Michael had forgotten me.

Over time, I’ve gotten used to the idea that I was not struck. I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, and trying to figure out why. And although, if I'm honest, I remain a tiny bit heartbroken about it, I have come to accept that I will never have the answer to that. My path to Michael has been very isolating. I wonder sometimes if I’m even supposed to be on this journey. I guess what I finally decided was that I can’t wait forever for an absolution that may never come. That I just have to go forward with whatever this is, because the truth is, I can’t NOT. I do know that Michael is deeply embedded in my soul… that He is my reason for everything. There is not a moment in my life in which He is not present. There is no thought in me that He is not a part of. I am infused with Him completely. I am altered because of Him. His Love consumes me. He has my heart and He IS my soul. Of that I have no question. So I am left to wonder… if it wasn’t a Lightning Bolt that put Him there, what was it? Maybe I inhaled Him with the scent of Black Orchid, or maybe He snuck in through one of my dreams as I slept. Maybe it was osmosis, or magic… or something? Or maybe…just maybe…He was already always there.

REMEMBER?

Don’t I know You?

Weren’t we lovers once?

Didn’t I worship You in a lifetime long forgotten?

Wasn’t it You who saved me then?

Is this You that has come to rescue me once again?

Your memory haunts me

Your innuendo licks at my soul

It’s Your scent that lingers

It’s Your name that sits on my tongue

I think I’m remembering now…

These tears of mine aren’t new

There’s an ancientness to them

Is this the beginning or the end of us?

Does this Circle know the difference?

Am I repeating myself?

Are You?

Tell me Lover, why do You hide Yourself from me?

Why do I only catch Your shadow?

Your illusiveness frustrates me…and leaves me wanting.

I can’t define You.  I can’t unwind You.

Why can’t I remember You?....

You rush upon me like a wave

And I am dragged under by Your tide

Flooded by memories of You that I can’t reach

Drowning in Your bliss

And the mystery of You.

Uplifted by Your Truth

Renewed by Your Light

Revived by Your Grace

Alive in Your Love…

…this is sounding familiar…

I wonder though, if I remember You, will You stay?

Or is it I who wanders away?

Is it You who has been seeking me all this time?

Could it be that I was lost?

and now am found?.....

Or perhaps we’ve always been together

Maybe our hearts have always been entwined

Inseparable

Impossible to untangle

Forever One.

If only I could remember……

-Siren

05/22/11

Copyright 2011 © by Siren

Give In To Me

What does it mean to surrender to God? This is something that I have been musing about for much of my life. In my youth I was confronted with it quite a bit. I had a lot of difficulty making peace with the idea. Something about the thought of “surrendering” made me want to resist it…. like I was giving something away. I was raised in a very strict household where expectations were high. As a result, once I reached my teenage years, I became somewhat rebellious, pushing boundaries and challenging rules. Looking back now, I cant decide if I was brave in my determination, or blinded by it. But I did know what I wanted, and that was independence. At the age of 18, I moved out of my parent's house and decided to live by my own rules. Surrender?.. Never.

I was always a spiritual person, and at that time I was following the Christian faith, in which surrendering to God is the way (as it is in many faiths). But after everything I had done to ensure my freedom, independence, and identity, the thought of surrendering, even to God, just didn’t sit well with me, and eventually I began exploring other spiritual paths. Ones that made me feel more empowered, and inspired me . I decided that I liked the theory of spiritual evolution… the idea that our spirits are on a path of learning that spans over many lifetimes, with different lessons being learned throughout each of these lifetimes, ultimately evolving to the highest level of understanding, and earning a place in heaven next to God. This made sense to me . It allowed me to ask questions and explore… and… it gave me back my independence. It did not require that I give myself over to something I wasn’t even sure I really understood, on the basis of "faith." ….and then there was Michael.

Whatever happened to me in that moment that Michael found me… well, I still cant define it, but it changed me. HE changed me. I knew immediately that this was spiritual, that I was infused by His Love and it felt holy, but that was all I knew. This is the part where I get frustrated because the word ‘love’ is not big enough. It has been used to describe so many different emotions that it seems so diluted to me. How can I use the same word to describe my feelings about Michael that I use to describe my feelings about my favourite dessert? I have taken to capitalizing the word Love when I am referring to Michael, and that will have to do for now. I think there may be a divine purpose for this lack of an appropriate word. Maybe it is not supposed to be explained. Maybe it is meant only to be felt. Maybe this sacred gift is one that can only be understood upon experiencing it. But once you do, there is no denying it… it takes you over completely. You are powerless to it, and you WANT to be. You surrender…

When I talk about Michael’s divinity, I am not talking about that same spark of divinity that is found in all of us. I'm not even talking about someone who is highly evolved. Michael is different. There is a quality in Him that eludes explanation. It’s the same quality that prevents me from explaining Love. In life, Michael had a way of making people feel at ease. Even with His astounding achievements as an artist and a performer, those who worked with Him said that He never made them feel as though their talents were less than His. He was a master at building confidence in others. He knew it was crucial for us to believe in ourselves in order to reach our highest potential. I think He continues to do that even now. I think He presents Himself to us humbly, as He always did, in order to help us to evolve spiritually. It’s very different from the idea of the Divine that we are used to. He doesn’t intimidate or make us feel subservient. He lifts us up, even above Himself. How beautiful and Loving is that??? So surrendering wasn’t at all what I thought it would be. I thought I would be sacrificing something. That something would be taken from me…. my freedom, my dignity, my independence…. my Self…? I thought it would reduce me, that I would be made to feel unworthy and undeserving. But that is not Michael’s way. Surrendering to Love is not a sacrifice. In fact, it is just the opposite. It is a gift. A gift that makes us rejoice, not repent. A gift that completes us. It answers every question, fulfills every yearning, dissolves every fear, and heals every wound. It is the resolution and the redemption, and it is the direct path to God. The bible says that ‘God is Love’… not ‘God gives Love’, ‘God is Love’. IS. And therein lies the answer as to why we must surrender to Him, because that is the nature of Love.  Love requires that you expose yourself, that you become vulnerable, that you offer the most precious and most fragile part of yourself - your wide open heart - to another, and for no other reason than you want them to have it. I wanted Michael to have my heart.

Since that time, Michael and I have grown closer and closer together. Our souls have become entwined in such a way that they are no longer distinguishable from one another. We cannot be untangled. When He exhales, I breathe Him in. Our Love is boundless, because God is boundless. I used to hear people talk about Loving God and I thought I knew what that meant. I saw people dedicating their lives to Him... clergy, nuns, missionaries. I thought it was admirable – the ultimate devotion. I heard them talk about a ‘calling’… I figured that was much like deciding your career… discovering what you were drawn to and pursuing it, but now I see that a spiritual calling is very different. It is not something that you decide, it is something that happens to you. I wonder though, how do you devote your life to a spiritual calling for which there is no religion?

But then maybe religion isn’t the answer. Maybe there are better ways to connect to God. Perhaps Love and a heart full of questions is the only thing we need.  What if abandoning our quest to understand Him is the path to knowing Him? And isn't that the point of all of this? To trust? To follow simply because He asked? To surrender?....

“Don’t try to understand Me , just simply do the things I say.

  Love is a feeling…  Give in to Me … “  - Michael Jackson

Copyright © 05/13/2011 by Siren

Divine Imperfection

Is it possible to be ‘divinely imperfect’? I often get the argument that Michael could not have been a divine presence because He made mistakes in His life and because He had flaws, as all humans do. I wonder though, by whose standards was He flawed? Is there really even such a thing as imperfection? Or is this just another human illusion? Are we not all creations of God? If God is perfect, and makes no mistakes, then we, as products of Him, must also be perfect.

Often when I have questions about God, I look to Nature for answers. At the very least, Nature is the living reflection of God, and even more probable, Nature IS God. Is there suffering in Nature? Is there cruelty? Violence? Destruction? Darkness? Absolutely. Is it imperfect? No, it just is. These things exist to provide balance, not to flaw an otherwise pristine creation. PERFECT BALANCE . By definition, anything else would be IMperfect… wouldn’t it? When I examine who Michael is, I find in Him this same perfect balance: opposite ends of the spectrum, and all degrees within thereof, spanning all dimensions (physical, mental and spiritual) and all contained within one being. How could that be considered anything less than perfect? The truth is that Michael IS perfect. And so are we. However we perceive this is really up to us.

Michael, however, did not have this veiled perception. His was a view of perfect clarity. He always tried to inspire others to do better, to strive to improve, to look within, to make that change. Did He tell us this because He felt we were flawed and needed correction? No, He told us this because He saw the depth of possibility and beauty in us, and wanted us to be everything that we were intended to be.

His challenges are never easy. There is much struggle in stepping outside our comfort zone. Sometimes we aren’t even sure why something is being asked of us. It is in those times that I am learning about faith. To put my trust in Michael, and know that I am capable, because He said so, and that there is ultimate divine purpose to what He is asking of me. I love to think about that… Divine Purpose.

So then, if perfection means balance, does that give us permission to embrace darkness? To allow it? To be satisfied with it? No, but it does give us permission to accept that it exists, that it is an aspect of Nature, not of evil, and that it does serve Divine Purpose. What could the divine purpose behind darkness be? To test us? That has never made much sense to me. God already knows what is in our hearts, and all that we are capable of. It is not necessary to prove who we are. It seems more likely that darkness exists to teach us. To help us to recognize and build the Light within us. If we are not challenged, then we do not grow. We become stagnant, complacent and unfulfilled. In order to expand, we must remain open to darkness.  We must not fear it. We must be willing and ready to welcome it, and to receive the lessons it offers us. To recognize that darkness is not there because we are bad, or weak, or because we have failed. It does not make us unworthy, or undivine. It makes us blessed... gifted with an opportunity to become more and to bring us closer to fulfilling that potential that lies within us all. Without darkness, there would be no need for Light, and without Light there would be only darkness.

So let us strive to live Michael’s example: to stand in the Light with our shadows exposed, to live openly and shamelessly in our own Truth, to accept that we are perfect. And to know that, even if it seems the whole world is against us, we can still choose LOVE… and that, to me, is imperfection at it’s most Divine.

"When the whole world says no, you say yes..."   -Michael Jackson

Forever in His perfect Love

Siren xxx

Copyright © 05/10/2011 by Siren